I know you love me
by Yukina Kirielle
Summary: Mana reflects on the relationship him and Gackt had. Mana realizes how much love can hurt. More of a dramatic, romance fanfiction


Title: I know you love me Band: Malice Mizer Pairing: Gackt X Mana Rating: Shounen ai, death Author: Kirielle  
  
My Sweet Love.  
  
Mana looked out his window, it was raining, it was just like the first day they had been alone together. It was colder though then the first day they had been alone together. There was a chill in the air that didn't make you want to go out. Just like the chill in Mana's heart, the chill that had been brought there by the one he loved love. Mana placed his hand over his heart, it still beat but he felt so empty, how could his heart beat when he felt so empty and lonely? How could it beat when he was so desperately empty? Mana looked back to the rain, he didn't even know how he had gotten over the first day without dying when he had left him. For so long they were together, so long they were happy but then one day he was gone. Like that he was gone, gone forever, just like everything else in Mana's life. He was gone and he didn't even call anymore. He had says that he still loved all of the Malice Mizer members in their own special ways. That wasn't true, if that were true then he would have came back to Mana. He would have come back, even if he didn't stay with the band he could have stayed with Mana. Mana built everything for him, he had built this world called Malice Mizer for him, or at least made it 'fit' him when Mana found him. Then he just left it all, the palace that Mana had built and the king had left the queen to be alone. Every time Mana heard a song on the radio he thought about him. It nearly killed him when he listened to 'Speed Master' by Gackt. Mana cried and cried that night, just like when he left Mana all alone. Even when he didn't relate songs with the man that he so deeply loved he thought about him. He had called him a few times, but he never was as bold as to say anything. Sometimes he would call him in the morning when he wasn't really with it just to hear his voice. Mana got up and walked away to his kitchen. There were too many memories, there was too much hurt inside of him. There was a hurt that was eating away at everything he was. Mana didn't even fell as good as he used to, he consistently felt alone, tired and depressed. Mana poured himself a glass of water; there he saw his reflection. Tears stained his face, tears. So many tears how many times had he cried for him? How many times had he wished he had said something before the man had left? It hurt every time that Mana saw his face on a magazine. There in big letters was Gackt; then in smaller letters there would be other bands names. But his was the largest and his face graced the cover. Did he still look at magazines and see Mana's name or Malice and wonder how they were? How the one that he had loved so deeply was doing? He didn't look like he was sad or was losing any sleep over Mana. Then again only getting three to six hours asleep he couldn't really lose any more sleep then that. Mana read every interview he could find with Gackt in it. He didn't care if he only hurt himself reading the words that Gackt said knowing that he could only hear or read them, and that they weren't really to him. But Gackt did say that he liked his fans a lot, Mana was a fan does that mean he still liked Mana a lot? Did that mean that he still thought about Mana? Did he think about him when he wrote those songs? Was he still Gackt's dear? "Gackt why did you leave me? Don't you love me anymore?" Mana asked himself. "I built a world for you, I built a life for you." Mana said throwing the cup into the sink, the tiny little fragile pieces breaking under the force of Mana throwing the cup into the sink; tiny pieces flew onto the counter top and floor. "Don't you love me?" Mana didn't like feeling the pain of Gackt not being with him. He hurt so much he just wanted to be with Gackt, he just wanted to be with the one that he loved. He wanted to be with the one that he loved for the rest of his life. But the one that he loved was gone. He just wanted to hear Gackt's voice; he wanted to be held by him. Mana walked over to the phone and picked up the phone, he had Gackt's number on speed dial, the button seemed more worn away then any of the other buttons. Mana waited and he heard the phone being picked up on the other end. "Hello?" Gackt said. Mana closed his eyes and let the tears flow down his face and over his lips. They were salty, but he didn't care. It showed him that he still lived on, on without Gackt. On without the one that he loved. It reminded him of how much one person could hurt and still be alive. "Hello? Is anyone there?" Gackt asked waiting, but he was getting annoyed. Mana could tell, even if Gackt had never really ever got annoyed with him Mana knew so much about Gackt. Mana bit his fingernail; Mana was here, even if he was only a shell of his former self. "This isn't funny, I'm hanging up. You should know that Gackt is a busy man." Gackt said, he sure had changed since the last time they were together. "Then I shall say it quickly then, au revoir." Mana said loud enough so that Gackt could hear him. "This is the last time I'll ever call you Gackt." Mana said hanging up the phone slowly. Mana smiled, it was nice to hear Gackt's voice one last time. It was nice to hear Gackt tell him that he was too busy to be with him, even to just talk on the phone. Mana laughed to himself and walked into the kitchen. He looked around and pulled a piece of glass out of the sink, hadn't Gackt given him this cup? It was only right then that he die by it. Mana watched the sharp edge cut his finger, the blood traced over the edge of the broken piece of cup and slowly dripped off. Mana closed his eyes. He knew that it was going to hurt, but nothing could hurt more then what he already felt inside. Nothing could hurt more then how he was now. Nothing could hurt more then not being with Gackt. Mana opened his eyes. "Good bye Gackt, I will always love you." Mana said sighing, Gackt would never know though. Mana stared at the piece of glass and looked at his wrist, Mana felt himself shake. He couldn't do this, Mana bit on his lip, but it was pointless he went on. Mana closed his eyes and quickly sliced the glass over his wrist. It hurt, it hurt immensely at first but then all he could feel and see as the red blood pouring out. Mana remembered something about that wasn't how to die. Mana looked at his pale arm and brought his broken glass to the middle of his arm and dug the glass in dragging it all the way down his one arm, he couldn't do it on his other arm. Mana felt pain surge threw his body, his arm felt like it was pounding. Mana closed his eyes and felt that all he could think about was Gackt. Mana opened his eyes; he was surprised he was still crying. "Good bye Gackt, I love.you." Mana said closing his eyes and lying on the ground. Mana held his arm tightly, it wouldn't stop bleeding if he had wanted it to stop bleeding. Mana took his hand away from his arm, his fingers were covered in blood. Mana slowly lifted his finger away from himself and started to write out the words with his blood that he had just spoken on to the floor, it looked so lovely written out in his blood. Mana closed his eyes and finally found the peace that he had lost so long ago.  
  
Gackt held the roses he had brought with him close to himself. There was Mana's grave. Mana had committed suicide with a broken piece of a cup that Gackt had given him. Mana had killed himself with something that Gackt had given him. Gackt narrowed his eyes glaring at the grave. As if it would make Mana forgive himself. "How could you Mana?" Gackt asked angered. "How could you?" Kozi placed his hand on Gackt's shoulder. "Because you left him." Kozi said silently. Gackt didn't listen to Kozi. Gackt loved Mana; Gackt had always loved Mana. But Mana didn't say that he wanted Gackt to stay that day Gackt left the world of Malice Mizer. Gackt would have stayed if Mana had said that he wanted Gackt to stay. But he didn't, he said good bye and good luck. Then he turned away; he left him just as much as Gackt had left him.  
  
*** "I'm leaving Malice Mizer." Gackt said standing up as he said this to his friends. Kozi nodded, he had known that Gackt wasn't right for Malice Mizer, he wasn't like them he didn't fit into the world, no matter how hard Mana had tried he didn't fit into the world he just couldn't be there. "I understand." Kozi said nodding. Yuki smiled, he knew what his lover meant, Gackt had to be on his own he was to egoistic to be here with Malice Mizer, he had to be on his own. "You'll do better with out us." Yuki said smiling. Kami looked hurt and his mouth dropped open. "What? Why the hell are you leaving!" Kami yelled standing up also. "How could you!" Kami yelled running from the room. Gackt looked down at the ground. He was still going to be with friends with Kami; it was just that they weren't going to be together in a band anymore. Gackt didn't mean to hurt Kami as his friend, he was really just testing Mana's love, he had to hear Mana say that he wanted him to stay. Mana's eyes went wide for a few moments and his mouth dropped opened slightly. But then his eyes went back to having no emotion. Before he had been able to see in them and know almost what Mana was thinking but now all he could see was emptiness, loneliness and a withdrawal. Mana held his hands together and closed his eyes then opened them slowly. "Good bye and good luck Kamui-san." Mana said bowing his head, his voice expressionless. Gackt felt his eyes water up, Mana didn't say that he wanted him to stay. Mana didn't want him to stay with him. Gackt felt the tears in his eyes nearly burn away with his anger. "Good bye, forever." Gackt said as he practically stormed out of the room.  
  
****  
  
"He didn't ask me to stay and I knew then that he didn't love me." Gackt replied simply, if Mana had loved him he would have made Gackt stay, and admitted that he wanted Gackt. But he didn't, so Gackt didn't come back, and Gackt was not going to be the one to say that he wanted Mana back, there was no way that Gackt was going to be the one to say that he wanted Mana. He wasn't going to be the one with a weakness. Gackt's ego was too large or him to say that he was the one that wanted to be with Mana and he was the one who needed Mana. But apparently Mana had needed Gackt more than Gackt had needed Mana. Gackt wasn't the one who was in a coffin with two scars across his wrist and one that went down his arm. The only scars he had were the ones that were in his heart. Kozi laughed loudly. "Didn't love you? He built a world for you Gackt. Mana was like the petals of a rose and you were like the thorns. He needed you to protect him, to keep his frail self safe for being destroyed." Kozi said taking his hand away from Gackt's shoulder. "Didn't love you? He gave you all the attention; you were the center of everything. He knew that was how you wanted it so he gave it to you. He made changes in the Malice world that he had loved so much so that you and him could be together and happy."  
  
"Well I didn't tell him to do that, he didn't have to I was happy with him no matter what." Gackt muttered staring at the tombstone. Everyone that he loved he lost, he lost Mana and he lost Kami. Kozi sat his flowers onto Mana's grave. "Even till the day that he died Gackt, he killed himself with a piece of a cup you gave him, and wrote out that he loved you with his blood." Kozi said turning his back to Gackt. "Oh yeah Gackt he didn't love you." Kozi said sarcastically as he walked away. Gackt went down on his knees and placed the flowers at the grave. So maybe Mana had done everything for him. So maybe Mana had loved him, but why didn't he admit it? Why didn't Mana say that he loved Gackt? That was all Gackt needed to hear and he would had been with Mana in an instant. They would be together some where else, doing something that they both liked. They wouldn't be here, Mana in the ground and Gackt on top of the ground Mana lay in. Gackt felt hurt, Mana left him to be alone. Mana left him, but Mana had called to say that he was never going to call Gackt again. Gackt thought hearing those words would had been the greatest hurt in the world, but it wasn't. The greatest hurt was when Mana had committed suicide with a piece of broken cup that Gackt had given to Mana for his birthday.  
  
** Gackt smiled as he and Mana sat at the table eating Gackt's butabara that Gackt had made Mana for his birthday. Mana was smiling slightly, but it wasn't really a smile. He never smiled. Mana bowed his head to Gackt as he finished eating. "Thank you." Mana said politely. "I enjoyed it very much." Gackt smiled. "Well your welcome, and here is your present." Gackt said as he placed some wrapped boxes on the table next to Mana. Mana blushed slightly. He didn't like all the attention that Gackt gave him it made him embarrassed. Mana was trying not grin as he opened the box and pulled out something that was heavy and unwrapped it. It was a beautiful cup like Mana had never seen. "Why Gackt.these are beautiful." Mana said as he realized that Gackt had gotten him a whole new set of dinning dishes. "They were made in France and I know how you were saying that you wished that you had a new set of dishes but you never got around to it." Gackt said smiling. "So I bought these for you. I was afraid that they wouldn't get here on time." Mana smiled and hugged Gackt still holding the cup in his hand. "Thank you so much for caring." Mana said kissing Gackt on the cheek. "I appreciate everything that you do." Gackt smiled. "I like doing things for you." Gackt said, he was disappointed that Mana didn't say that he loved Gackt or cared for him. The rest of Mana's birthday was like that Mana didn't say that he loved Gackt and Gackt only said that he cared for Mana. Neither of them wanted to admit their weakness, which was their love for each other. ***  
  
"Why didn't you say that you loved me?" Gackt asked touching the tombstone lightly. Gackt wouldn't be so sad if Mana would had said that he loved him the night that he called, but he didn't. Gackt was never to hear those words ever from Mana because now Mana lay in the ground cold and dead. "Because he couldn't. He was scared that you wouldn't love him, so he never said anything. He was to timid." A voice that Gackt didn't recognize said from behind him. Gackt turned to look at the man behind him. It was Klaha, the new singer of Malice. Gackt rose and looked towards the sky it was cloudy, it could rain soon, just like the first day they were alone together. They were together at Gackt's house and Gackt kissed Mana. That was the happiest day of Gackt's life. But during their short relationship Mana never one said that he loved Gackt. "How do you know?" Gackt asked harshly. No one knew his Mana better than he knew him. Him and Mana knew each other like no other did. They had loved each other greatly and they were meant to be together. But Mana didn't tell Gackt that he wanted to be with him the day that he left and that was when Gackt knew that Mana didn't love him and his ego was to big for him to say that he loved Mana. "Because he told me, you ruined him Gackt, he lost it. He lost it without you; you lost Mana a long time ago. He's been living in a dream world every since you left. He was in a dream world that only he believed in, a dream world were you loved him and really understood him." Klaha said setting down some roses he had gotten. Klaha looked towards Gackt. "I'm sorry that you never understood him." Klaha said looking at Gackt sincerely then walked away. Gackt narrowed his eyes; he didn't care what that man thought. He understood Mana, he knew Mana like the back of his hand, and they had known each other like bread and butter. But what if Mana had been living in a dream world? Like the one Gackt was in, the one where he went when he went driving every night. Gackt closed his hand tightly. "Mana I loved you, and I still do." Gackt said standing up slowly. Gackt said wiped at his eyes, he had never cried before for Mana. "Good bye, my sweet love."  
  
Disclaimer: I own these people in now way what so over, I don't own the bands and I make no profti from this. I'm just a fan don't sue 


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